More than 2 years ago I abandoned this blog because writing ceased to be a liberating activity and became a heavy burden. Unfortunately, it wasn’t only the writing.
In part, it became a burden due to expectations of other people to which I failed to set an adequate response. Expectations to write consistently, to write a lot and to write well evolved into something even more burdensome – that I know the answer to every question, at any given time and that the quality of my answers is in accordance to these high expectations. It spread to my work and made me feel uncomfortable and anxious about everything I do. And that was ugly.
However, the main reason for this state was me. Since I was very hard on myself to begin with, this extraneous influence resulted in even more increased expectations towards myself. Towards my writing and creating. To write detailed, excellent articles, always relevant, without errors of any kind, to express myself in English the same way I express myself in my native language, that the projects I work on should be brought to perfection, as if that was possible at all. Instead, these self-imposed limitations deprived the act of writing and creating of any freedom. And everything lost meaning.
With such an increase of expectations, restrictions and self-censorship, it was just a matter of time before breakdown and change happened. The abandonment of writing was symbolic. It was rather leaving this self-imposed way of life, work and the values that were valid for me at the time. I quit writing, I quit my old ideas, I quit my full time job and started my own business. I returned to the path of questioning, exploring and learning.
Much has happened in the last two years and I’ve changed a lot. I have done a lot of new and wonderful things I really want to write about. With the difference that other people’s expectations are no longer a concern for me, nor do I pose any expectations and limitations to myself. I enjoy what I do just because I do it. All the fun is in doing the little things and being absolutely immersed in them while they last. Without expecting too much. A sort of being in a permanent state of flow. I don’t need a goal, a success, a lesson I need to learn. It’s aplenty that I’m here and that I write and create.